Monday, February 7, 2011

Stories of Susan and Fred

The following stories are true.  You can't make this stuff up.  The names have been changed to protect the guilty.

Fred and Susan worked in the same department in the town of A___.  Fred, although married, had an eye for younger women and Susan, also married, 15 years his junior and absolute arm candy, soon caught his attention. They became an item, divorced their respective spouses, married and moved to city B___, where Fred became a senior manager and Susan could enjoy the good life.

Susan's mother lived in the city of C___.  Fred detested Susan's mother.  To avoid having to drive Susan to visit, he would come home from work very drunk and proceed to pass out.  Firewood as they say in Russian.  One day in disgust at her uncooperative mate, Susan poured an entire pot of fresh hot borscht over him as he sat passed out at the table.

Another time, Susan announced they would go to her mother's for the holiday.  Fred said no they would go to Crimea. Susan was adamant and so was Fred.  Finally, Fred said, fine, you can go to your mothers but you will not take any clothes bought with my money nor will I give you any money to go.  Susan stripped off, grabbed her handbag and headed out the door, across the courtyard and down the street, naked as the day she was born, with Fred running after her to wrap her in a coat.

Just because he was married to Susan did not stop Fred's wandering eye.  For some reason, this upset Susan, though she herself had not been the epitome of fidelity before she met Fred nor after their marriage.  Someone tipped off Susan that Fred had a new young girl friend. One day, Fred came home, showered and fell asleep on the bed.  Tanya came in and caressed him to attention while he lay dreaming of all the nice things she was going to do to him.  The dream did not include the kettle of boiling water* she poured on him.  He let out a scream and grabbed under the bed for his hunting rifle, which Susan had the prior foresight to remove.  Fred sneaked off to a doctor friend and in a couple of weeks he was as good as new.

Fred, possibly DUI at the time, was killed in a car accident five years ago.  Susan has not remarried.  Anyone looking for movie material, for a small fee, I will introduce you to the woman in the city of B___ who knows far more stories than these.  For those men of you who are looking for a change of lifestyle, I will, pro bono, introduce you to Susan.  Bring money.  Lots of money.  She is not, as we say in the cattle business, an easy keeper.

Doctor: Nurse, I distinctly told you to slip off his spectacles and prick his boil...but I digress...

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