Monday, June 13, 2011

Explaining Corporate Systems Using Cows aka More Bull

AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.
ARKANSAS CORPORATION: You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute...
BELGIAN CORPORATION: You have one cow. The cow is schizophrenic. Sometimes the cow thinks she's French, other times she's Flemish. The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow. The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk. The cow asks permission to be cut in half. The cow dies happy.
CALIFORNIA CORPORATION: You have millions of cows. They make real California cheese. Only five speak English. Most are illegal. Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.
CHINESE CORPORATION You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.
DUTCH CORPORATION You have two cows. Officially you don't have cows. Their milk is black. You declare 20 cows for EC subsidies. Their stable was built without permit, of course by yourself with recuperation materials. Keeping them generates losses which are tax-deductible.
ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholders who sell the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a senator or congressmen, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.
FLORIDA CORPORATION: You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.
FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You break for lunch. You drink some wine.  Life is good.
GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, live 100 years, milk themselves, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
INDIAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You worship them.
ISRAELI CORPORATION: So, there are these two Jewish cows, right? They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors. So, who needs people?
ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch. You drink some wine.  Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.
NORTH KOREAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned. You are drafted.
PAKISTANI CORPORATION: You have all the cows in Pakistan, which are two. You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts. You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons for the Afghan Taliban.
POLISH CORPORATION: You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You stop counting and open another bottle of vodka. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.
SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.
ZIMBABWEAN CORPORATION: A farmer has two cows. You take over his farm, eat both cows and wait for the international community to supply more.
Added, with thanks to Demeur. AMERICAN BANKING CORPORATION: You have two cows. Both are ill.  You sell shares in the cows all over the world.  The cows die.  You declare bankruptcy and the government bails you out.  You give yourself a $10 million bonus.

Added, with thanks to Squatlo. ALABAMA CORPORATION: You "have" two cows.  Literally. The sheriff and his deputies respond to neighbors' complaints and haul you to jail. Animal control takes the cows for rabies testing. The test requires a beheading, but if clean, they're free to leave! Auburn grads with "animal husbandry" degrees rewrite the state's marriage laws to allow for inter-species weddings.

Added, with thanks to jadedj. WASHINGTON DC CORPORATION: You have two cows.  They moo from both sides of their mouths and give milk only to a select few.  They do not mingle with the common herd, except every two to four years during which time the bull is udderly non-stop for several months.

8 comments:

  1. If I absolutely had to vote for the cutest, I might go for the Polish one, but if I had to vote again tomorrow, I might choose another. This was damn good.

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  2. Wish I could take credit but these have been around in various iterations for many years. I got bored today so pulled together the dozen or so versions I have on file and cherry picked/adapted. Glad you enjoyed them.

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  3. Gotta love that California cow and Arnold!
    This was cute.

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  4. Like the American one but I would have had the corporation sell futures in the sickly ones all over the world. When the cows died and the world ask for its' money back the corporation would declare bankruptcy and ask government for a bail out.

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  5. I knew you were a beef specialist, BF; didn't know you were a dairy specialist, too. Excellent report on the international state of the business. Go ahead; milk it for all it's worth!

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  6. OMGosh...this made me laugh! I needed it. Thank you so much for your sweet comments on my dad..they always help me.

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  7. Love this compilation! Well done.
    Might have to make this place one of my daily pit stops!

    BTW, you left out the Alabama cow story: You have two cows, literally. The sheriff and his deputies respond to neighbors' complaints and haul your ass to jail. The cows are relieved, until animal control shows up, takes them in for rabies testing. The test requires a beheading, but if clean, they're free to leave! Auburn grads with "animal husbandry" degrees rewrite the state's marriage laws to allow for inter-species weddings.

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  8. I was over and read this earlier at the suggestion of Ol' Buzzard. Damn, damn, damn funny post.

    However the article had a blatant omission...that is, the Washington D.C. corporate cows. They give no milk except to a select few. They do, however, utter through both sides of their mouths. Their main function is, get as far away and out of touch with the herd as possible, excepting every two to four years, depending on which of the two types they are. At that time, the uttering is non-stop bull for several months.

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