Monday, June 13, 2011

Explaining Political Systems Using Cows

My thanks to DAC for triggering this one.

CANADIAN LIBERAL PARTY: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You push for higher taxes so the government can provide cows for everyone.

CANADIAN CONSERVATIVE PARTY: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?

CANADIAN NEW DEMOCRATIC PARTY: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you all the milk you need.

CANADIAN GREEN PARTY: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.

CANADIAN BLOC QUEBECOIS PARTY: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

PURE SOCIALISM: You have 2 cows and you give one to your neighbor.

IDEOLOGICAL SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: Your cows are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs the regulations say you should need.

FASCISM:  You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbours help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

REAL WORLD COMMUNISM: You share two cows with your neighbours. You and your neighbours bicker about who has the most "ability" and who has the most "need". Meanwhile, no one works, no one gets any milk, and the cows drop dead of starvation.

RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. You stand in line for hours for your share.  It is expensive and sour. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the black market.

PERESTROIKA COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the Mafia takes all the milk. You don’t get a share. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the "free" market.

CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbours decide who gets the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbours pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You feed them sheep's brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.

CANADIAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

PURE ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbours try to take the cows and kill you.

PURE CAPITALISM: You don't have any cows. The bank will not lend you money to buy cows, because you don't have any cows to put up as collateral.

ANARCHO- CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

POLITICAL CORRECTNESS: You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallo-centric, war mongering, intolerant past) two differently - aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.

Added, thanks to Ol'Buzzard. AMERICAN CAPITALISM: You have two cows.  You locate them in a third world country where they are  milked very cheaply and manure is flushed into the nearest river.  You import the milk to America and under-price American dairy farmers, putting them out of business.  You hire a lobbyist to buy Congressmen.  The government cuts your taxes and subsidizes your company.

3 comments:

  1. Oh, my god, I'm hysterical! Everything I know about government and socio-econonomic geography, your cows taught me.

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  2. This would be the base for a great political science class discussion.

    I think American capitalism would be that you have two cows; you locate them in a third world country where they can be milked cheeply; you sell your milk at a premium price; you hire a lobbies and the government cuts your taxes and gives you subsidies.

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  3. Ol Buzzard has his finger on the pulse of the American outsourcing economy! Perfect description!

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