With many thanks to Baxter Black for my favourite Christmas story ever. This fairy tale answers that age old question, “How did the angel get on top of the Christmas tree?"
Santy wuz lyin’ there in front of the fireplace, laid out in his Lazy Boy with his feet up. Suddenly he looked up and glanced at his watch. It was ‘leven thirty. It wuz Christmas Eve and he had to be outta there by twelve or he wouldn't get all the toys delivered on time.
He jumped up and run to the back room. He tore through the closet lookin’ for his red suit. He shook the moth balls outta the sleeve and slipped into the britches. He heard a great big RIP. He backed up to the mirror and he had tore the seat right out of them britches. He glanced at his watch and it was 25 to twelve. So he skinned off the britches and run 'em down to the little tailor elves and said, "Boys, sew this back up!" And they did.
Santy come in and throwed on his coat and hunted around in the closet fer his boots. He couldn't find ‘em 'n holler’d, "Maw! Where's my boots at?" She said. "They're out on the back porch where you left ‘em when ya came in last Christmas. An' shurnuff, he run out on the back porch they’d built on the trailer house ‘n’ there they were. He’d pulled ‘em off wet last year and they’d dried and curled up. He stuffed his feet down in ‘em an’ dadgum, if the heel didn't fall of the left boot. Santy glanced at his watch and it were 20 to twelve. He ripped them boots off and took 'em down to the little cobbler elves and said. "Boys, hammer this back on!" And they did.
Santy slipped on his boots and run into the house, grabbed his coat and took out across the yard to hook up the sleigh. The yard light had burnt out and somebody'd left the fresno parked in the driveway. He hit that sucker at a high lope an' went head over heels an’ lit with a great big war whoop, spooked the reindeer an’ they went over the top rail into the beet tops! Santy glanced at his watch an' it wuz a quarter 'til twelve!
The little cowboy elves saddled up and brought the reindeer into the barn, put 'em in the hitch and hooked 'em up to the sleigh. Santy jumped up in the buckboard seat, cracked the whip ‘n’ the reindeer took off and Santy just sat there! The tugs had broke on the harness! Santy glanced at his watch. It was 10 till twelve.
Santy said "Boys, gather up them reindeer and I'll fix the harness." Then he hooked the team back up leaped in the sleigh and slid on down in front of the house. Just as they pulled up to the house, one of the runners fell off the sleigh. Santy looked at his watch. It was 5 till twelve
They welded the runner back on and Santy run in the house. He grabbed that big bag o' toys, slung ‘em over shoulder…Yup, you guessed it. The bottom fell out of that bag and toys went everywhere!
Santy wuz down on his hands and knees, scramblin’ around stuffin’ them toys in a Safeway bag when a little angel come flyin' in the door with a Christmas tree over his shoulder.
He said "Santy. Where do you want me to put this tree?"