Attorney at Loss

From a friend from Kansas.

These are from a book called: "Disorder in the American Courts", and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

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ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
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ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

WITNESS: We both do.

ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

WITNESS: We do.

ATTORNEY: You do?

WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
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ATTORNEY: Now doctor, "isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
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ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year- old, how old is he?

WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
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ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you kidding me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Getting laid
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ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
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ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess.
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ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about 20, medium height, and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
______________________________ _______
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
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ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
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ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And, Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
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ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
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ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No .

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Harry and Bess

My friend DAC sent me this and it is certainly worth posting. 

Harry and Bess

Harry Truman was a different kind of President. He probably made as many or more important decisions regarding our nation's history as any of the other 42 Presidents preceding him. However, a measure of his greatness may rest on what he did after he left the White House.

The only asset he had when he died was the house he lived in, which was in Independence Missouri. His wife had inherited the house from her mother and father and other than their years in the White House, they lived their entire lives there.

When he retired from office in 1952 his income was a U.S. Army pension reported to have been $13,507.72 a year. Congress, noting that he was paying for his stamps and personally licking them, granted him an 'allowance' and, later, a retroactive pension of $25,000 per year.

After President Eisenhower was inaugurated, Harry and Bess drove home to Missouri by themselves. There was no Secret Service following them.

When offered corporate positions at large salaries, he declined, stating, "You don't want me. You want the office of the President, and that doesn't belong to me. It belongs to the American people and it's not for sale."

Even later, on May 6, 1971, when Congress was preparing to award him the Medal of Honor on his 87th birthday, he refused to accept it, writing, "I don't consider that I have done anything which should be the reason for any award, Congressional or otherwise."

As president he paid for all of his own travel expenses and food.

Modern politicians have found a new level of success in cashing in on the Presidency, resulting in untold wealth. Today, many in Congress also have found a way to become quite wealthy while enjoying the fruits of their offices. Political offices are now for sale. 

Good old Harry Truman was correct when he observed, "My choices in life were either to be a piano player in a whore house or a politician. And to tell the truth, there's hardly any difference!"

RIP Stompin' Tom Connors

Another one of my heroes is gone.

Lifted in total from Yahoo! Sports. 

PETERBOROUGH, Ontario (AP) -- Canadian country-folk singer Stompin' Tom Connors, whose toe-tapping musical spirit and fierce patriotism established him as one of Canada's biggest cultural icons, has died, his promoter said Wednesday night. He was 77.

Connors passed away from natural causes at his home Wednesday evening, Brian Edwards said. The musician, rarely seen without his signature black cowboy hat and stomping cowboy boots, was best known for songs ''Sudbury Saturday Night,'' ''Bud the Spud'' and especially ''The Hockey Song,'' a fan favorite played at hockey arenas around North America.

Those three songs are played at every Toronto Maple Leafs home game. At Toronto's Air Canada Centre Wednesday night, many fans took to their feet as ''The Hockey Song'' was played after Connors' death was announced.

Although wide commercial appeal eluded Connors for much of his four-decade career, his songs are regarded as veritable national anthems thanks to their unabashed embrace of all things Canadiana.

''The hockey song was the biggest one,'' Edwards said. ''Domestically he was known everywhere.''

On Twitter, Prime Minister Stephen Harper said ''we have lost a true Canadian original. R.I.P. Stompin' Tom Connors. You played the best game that could be played.''

The National Hockey League tweeted: ''Sad to hear that legendary Canadian Stompin' Tom Connors has passed. His legacy lives on in arenas every time 'The Hockey Song' is played.''

Connors knew his health was declining and had posted a message on his website a few days ago, saying Canada kept him ''inspired with its beauty, character, and spirit.''

Dubbed Stompin' Tom for his habit of pounding the floor with his left foot during performances, Connors garnered a devoted following through straight-ahead country-folk tunes that drew inspiration from his extensive travels around Canada, dating back to his itinerant teenage years when he roamed the country working one job or another.

The country that Connors celebrated in song was strangely ignored by other Canadian songwriters, he often said.

''I don't know why I seem to be the only one, or almost the only one, writing about this country,'' Connors said in 2008. ''This country is the most underwritten country in the world as far as songs are concerned. We starve. The people in this country are starving for songs about their homeland.''

He was born in Saint John, New Brunswick, on Feb. 9, 1936, to an unwed teenage mother. According to his autobiography, ''Before the Fame,'' he often lived hand-to-mouth as a youngster, hitchhiking with his mother from the age of three, begging on the street by the age of four. At age eight, he was placed in the care of the charity Children's Aid and adopted a year later by a family in Skinner's Pond, Prince Edward Island. He ran away four years later to hitchhike across Canada.

Connors bought his first guitar at age 14 and picked up odd jobs as he wandered from town to town, at times working on fishing boats, as a grave digger, tobacco picker and fry cook.

Connors is said to have begun his musical career when he found himself a nickel short of a beer at the Maple Leaf Hotel in Timmins, Ontario, in 1964 at age 28. The bartender agreed to give him a drink if he would play a few songs, and that turned into a 14-month contract to play at the hotel. Three years later, Connors made his first album and garnered his first hit in 1970 with ''Bud The Spud.''

Hundreds more songs followed, many based on actual events, people and towns he had visited.

He was appointed to the Order of Canada in 1996, one of the country's highest honors. He also had his own postage stamp.

Connors is survived by his wife Lena, two sons, two daughters and several grandchildren.

A celebration of Stompin Tom's life is being planned for next Wednesday at the Peterborough Memorial Centre.

-----

Associated Press writer Rob Gillies in Toronto contributed to this report.

Malapropisms, Mondegreens & Spoonerisms

Last August, my brother Stan on his blog "The English Cowpath" posted on Malapropisms, Mondegreens & Spoonerisms. He does a nice job of defining them and provides a few examples.

He added a note about a week ago that Word-a-day just did a week on these funny word errors. http://wordsmith.org/words/spoonerism.html

Here is the end of the week compilation: http://wordsmith.org/awad/awadmail556.html

and an extra to publish all the mail they got that week 

http://wordsmith.org/awad/awadmail556-extra.html

The tears were streaming down my face and Tanya demanded to know what was so funny.  Some things just don't translate.

Here are a few examples but best read the sites yourself and get all the benefit.

The best use of spoonerisms occurred in the British parliament. The speaker of one party complimented one of the other saying "I yield to the gentleman as a 'shining wit'." And then apologized for making a spoonerism.
-Martin Litke, MD, Newport Beach, California (litke.martin gmail.com)

A friend, wishing to celebrate his divorce, suggested that we go to the saloon for a beverage. I suggested that if he wanted decoration for the party he might consider a balloon for the severage.
-Tromboniator (via Wordsmith Talk online forum)

While working in Moscow some years ago, several of us overheard a colleague complaining about Russian: "I just can't get a handle on this acrylic alphabet."
-Hilary Evans, Ottawa, Canada (hil666evans hotmail.com)

A friend of mine was ill and needed to get a biopsy done. Her husband upon hearing this asked her a bit later when the autopsy would take place so he could go with her! Her reply: "Not quite yet dear."
-Margriet Hecht, Portland, Oregon (mihecht earthlink.net)

I overheard a guy who had just driven across country say that "The car was loaded to the tilt."
-Harry Bower, San Francisco, California (fluteoftheroom gmail.com)

I am hearing-impaired and have a telephone with closed captioning on a screen. In a recent phone conversation, this wonderful mondegreen came across. My friend was describing the preparation of a drink and she said, "throw out the pulp and keep the juice." But the CC read, "Throw out the Pope and keep the Jews." Those closed captioning fellas have a pretty vivid imagination!
-Dean M. Laux, Englewood, Florida (dlaux6 comcast.net)

A pianist was playing at a function in a private home and really needed a bathroom break. One of the guests asked him about the piece he had just played and instead of replying "this is a very difficult piece to play", he said, "This is a very difficult place to pee."
-Anne Lusby, Brockville, Canada (alusby sympatico.ca)

My all-time favorite: From a breathlessly excited radio broadcaster announcing the disembarking of the Royal Windsors in New York, "Ladies and Gentlemen, the Duck and Doochess of Windsor!"
-Paul Wessen, San Jose, Costa Rica (pwessen ice.co.cr)

My mother once said (after her second glass of sherry), "After Papa has retired we're going to fix up the world and take a trip around the house."
-Nina Garrett, Old Saybroook, Connecticut (cornebg gmail.com)

New Words

These have been around a few times and I have no idea if indeed they did originate with the Washington Post, but they are clever.

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. 

1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate's disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido: All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
18. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and a pain in the rear

Coats, Cans and International Women's Day

Tanya is the happiest today I have seen her in two months.  Yesterday she took the bus to Dnipropetrovsk to go shopping.  She has been needing a full length dress coat for some time.  It is often too warm for her heavy leather/fur coat but she had nothing but short casual jackets.

She phoned me about 3:00.  She found the coat of her dreams, classic black, "not expensive", only $375.  But there was this car length burgundy coat she just loved.  What should she do?  "Buy the black coat because you need it and the burgundy will be from me for International Women's Day"*.

Both coats are well-made, from St. Petersburg and are cut "to fit Russian women".  I owe her $400. She wore the red one home and it looked awesome on her.  The black one was just lovely, too.

I didn't sleep good last night.  Happens from time to time.  I lay awake for hours and drift off about 3:00 am or something.  Tanya laughed and said she knew why:
"Ivan, why can't you sleep?"
"Because I can't pay Maxim next door the money I owe him"
Wife pounds on the wall of the apartment, "Maxim, my husband can't pay the money he owes you......Go to sleep, Ivan, it is Maxim who cannot sleep now".

This morning she and Lina went to town for groceries.  Tanya was dressed to the nines. Black skirt, black and white sweater, her new black coat, black and white scarf.  She. Looked. Good.  And she felt good.  "I have wanted a coat like this for a long time.  I feel like a woman!" **

When they came home, I said "All men look at you but you come home to me".  "You're the only one who buys me coats"..

Called my son on Skype later in the day. He was cleaning the bathroom, down on his knees scrubbing the toilet and the floor.  I said, "That's fair as you pee all over it".  "Not ALL over it; just in one spot".

I told him about Tanya's new coats and mentioned that Friday, March 8 was International Women's Day.  "Hey, Mel, Friday is International Women's Day. I won't hit you that day and I won't complain if you don't have my supper ready on time".

*For the uninitiated, in Ukraine and Russia IWD and birthdays are when men spring for gifts for their beloved...or else. 
** Note to husbands: Anything you can do to make your wife feel good about herself pays off in the long run.  It isn't always easy, either. I know this.

If Wishes Were Horses

We all wish for stuff.  Aladdin's magic lamp and all that.  Birthday candles.  Wells and pools.  Or just plain dreaming.  But do we ever wonder how the wishes might come true? Or what might happen if they did?  We just sort of expect the wish to come true as we think it should but if it were simply fulfilled to the letter of the spoken wish, there are any number of options.  And if we did win the lottery what effect would it have on our lives?

I have not seen a study on the after effects of winning big but have read that the winners usually end up broke soon after or in worse financial straits than they were.  This isn't a problem with people who already have money but it certainly is for us blue collar types.

I have heard many people describe what they would do with BIG money; 10, 20, 40 million.  It was all a list of conspicuous consumption articles, houses and trips. Unless they were farmers.  Then they would just pay their debts and buy a hamburger with the change. But no one talks about investing, charity or family.

Or weight loss - I wished I could lose 50 ugly pounds and my kids told me to cut off my head.  I get no respect.  But think of it this way - you want to lose 30 lbs?  How much of one leg would you have to lose in an accident to equal 30 pounds?

Any of my readers who are either short story fans or horror story fans or both will no doubt have read "The Monkey's Paw" by W.W. Jacobs.  Written in 1902, it is the classic tale of wishes come true.

"It had a spell put on it by an old fakir," said the sergeant-major, "a very holy man. He wanted to show that fate ruled people's lives, and that those who interfered with it did so to their sorrow. He put a spell on it so that three separate men could each have three wishes from it." *** "The first man had his three wishes, yes," was the reply. "I don't know what the first two were, but the third was for death. That's how I got the paw."

Keep on wishing but best not hope for them to come true. They might.