Saturday, July 4, 2015

Sooner or later, everything old is new again

Sir Rodney Twerkingham Ramsbottom, British chap, small estate between Cleaver on Butcherblock and Tipple on Winebottle, zoologist, member of the Royal Academy of Whatever Zoologists Are Members Of, was exploring in darkest Paddington's Homeland when he came upon an egg.  A largish egg in the middle of BFE, nowhere.

It looked dropped and abandoned.  Sir Rodney took it back to England with him and put it on the mantle over the fireplace.  Where in due time it hatched out a small reptillian looking sort of thingy the likes of which no one had ever seen.  Possibly some sort of dinosaur, but who knew? Zoologists were puzzled and wanted to name it after Sir Rodney, who in his modesty, declined and called it a Raricus Scarciferus as it was both rare and scarce. Mostly they referred to it as "the Rarey" for short. Sir Rodney became quite famous and soon commanded a hefty speaking fee.

The beast started out small and cute as most beasts do, even humans, but grew rapidly with a balanced diet of IAMS dog food.  Very rapidly. In a month it was consuming a 20 kg bag per day; at 6 months 200 kg per day and snacking on the neighbourhood dogs which created a but of fuss.  It was also expensive, needless to add, and speaker's fees regardless, he was mortgaging his estate just to feed the beast.

Sir Rodney had to do something before it started snacking on neighbourhood children, which much as he fancied the thought, would likely create even more unpleasantness than did the dogs. He wrote to the Ministry in Charge of Feeding Strange Animals but they sent him a polite PFO letter that said, in plain words, "You found it; you feed it".

He had to get rid of it but make it look like an accident as The Guardian, never mind the Royal Academy of Whatever Zoologists Are Members Of, would be all over him if he simply shot it outright.  If he could just get the creature to the cliffs by Dunotter Castle in Stonehaven and push him over he could claim that the reptile had developed vertigo and fallen.  So off they went trekking through the Highlands to Stonehaven, ostensibly to visit his mother who moonlighted as the castle "haunt".

He lured the animal to the top of the cliffs with a bag of Purtina Dog Chow and quite close to the edge.  Just before he was about to plunge the unsuspecting creature to its doom, he looked over the edge of the cliff, down, down, down, and remarked "It's a long long way to tip a Rarey".


6 comments:

  1. Groan.

    This is the third time I've tried to comment.

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    1. Is commenting difficult? I have no idea what hoops people have to go through to comment. I do know I am getting Spam comments once in a while

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  2. Oh dear. Oh. Definitely a groan. :)

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  3. Aaaaaagh!!!! I accord this joke the highest possible honour: Fleeing from the room screaming and holding my nose. (I love puns!)

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    1. Now that is indeed an honour. By the way, Karma's a bitch. that song has been stuck in my head for days now.

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