Wednesday, August 24, 2011

LAMENT OF THE ARTIFICIALLY INSEMINATED COW


By William L. Jessiman

Though I have just given birth to a heifer,
And of pride and of milk I am full,
It is sad to relate that my lacteal state
Was not brought about by a bull.

I have never been naughty, I swear it,
In spite of the calf I have borne.
By Farmer Brown’s tractor, I’m virga intacta.
I have not had the bull by the horn.

No bull has embraced me with passion;
I’ve not had the ghost of a binge;
I haven’t been loved, but ruthlessly shoved
With aseptic disposable syringe.

How cheerless the farmyard and meadows,
The cowshed seems gloomy and gray,
For the one bit of fun in the dreary year’s run
Has by science been taken away.

I know that farming’s a business
In which we must all pull our weight.
I’d pull and I’d pull for a nicely built bull,
Synthetic arrangements I hate.

It must not be thought that I’m jealous.
There are things a cow should not say.
But the Vets and Ag Reps who deprive us of sex
Still get it the old fashioned way.

16 comments:

THINGS YOU'D NEVER GUESS ABOUT ME said...

I lift up my glass of milk in a salute to those who have gone without that I may have milk and meat. But veal? NEVER!

Recently, I'm becoming more and more a vegetarian.

Rob-bear said...

OH, dear. Such a calamity!
On the other side, however . . .

I've never seen a purple cow
With tears my eyes are full.
I've never seen a purple cow
And I'm a purple bull.

The Blog Fodder said...

, Dana, I like the breaded veal cutlets served in rural Saskatchewan restaurants. They are actually pork cutlets pounded thin and breaded. Not much on veal, certainly not white veal. Seems like a waste of a good animal that could grow up and produce lots of beef.
RB, I had never heard that before. Thanks.

Anonymous said...

Nicely done!

Nan said...

I am reminded of the old joke about why cows have long faces (they get their teats pulled twice a day but only have sex once a year).

Anonymous said...

This would fall into the cowboy poetry genre methinks. I would like to learn how to write cowboy poetry. Hey you, bovine specialist, are there cowboy poetry courses?

Ol'Buzzard said...

Love it.
the Ol'Buzzard

The Blog Fodder said...

Barb, Google "learn to write cowboy poetry". there are several sites offering advice and possibly seminars/conferences on same. Plan to attend one of the "gatherings" of cowboy poets; there are a number of famous ones listed.

THINGS YOU'D NEVER GUESS ABOUT ME said...

I've downloaded google earth....now if only I could find where it went.....

Murr Brewster said...

Although, I must say, the synthetic,
Compared to a bull, was not fickler,
And I might just embrace the syringe,
If, the next time, it came with a tickler.

The Blog Fodder said...

Murr, that was awesome. Can I steal it and quote you?

Unknown said...

I knew this as "The Lament of the Discontented Cow", and started singing it in the mid 70s from memory. I don't know the credited author, I was simply told it was something that appeared first in a regional New Zealand newspaper. There are a few word changes in this version, mostly harmless (lol), but I do prefer the final verse I learned which has "Land Army tarts what handles our parts" instead of the "Vets and Ag Reps who deprive us of sex".

The Blog Fodder said...

There are as many different versions of this poem as people who quote it. Original author may even be as stated above. And the land army tarts and brass bound syringe changed to reflect modern usage.

shaun reilly said...

I also remember it from the 1970's and "The Land Army tarts" I was quoted regularly and most of today's oldies may recall it.

The Blog Fodder said...

Not many people younger than we are would have even heard of the Women's Land Army unless they were British.

Unknown said...

I heard "varsity tarts"