More Signs of the Times

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:

"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

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In a Podiatrist's office:

"Time wounds all heels."

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On a Septic Tank Truck:

Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

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At an Optometrist's Office:

"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

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On a Plumber's truck:

"We repair what your husband fixed."

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On another Plumber's truck:

"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

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At a Tire Shop

"Invite us to your next blowout."

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At a Towing company:

"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

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On an Electrician's truck:

"Let us remove your shorts."

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In a Non-smoking Area:

"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

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On ao Maternity Room door:

"Push. Push. Push."

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At a Car Dealership:

"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

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Outside a Muffler Shop:

"No appointment necessary.  We hear you coming."

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In a Veterinarian's waiting room:

"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

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At the Electric Company

"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.

However, if you don't, you will be."

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In a Restaurant window:

"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."

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In the front yard of a Funeral Home:

"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

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At a Propane Filling Station:

"Thank heaven for little grills."

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At a RADIATOR SHOP:

"Best place in town to take a leak."

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On another Septic Tank Truck:

"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"

from my friend Robert

I need ideas

My brain is running low on ideas to keep this thing running.  Not much happening day to day that can't be handled in one blog a week, mostly of kittens for the time being anyhow.

No rants about the latest stupidity of  (pick a country), please.  If you need some I can give you a list of e-zines and bloggers.

More travel blogs about places I have been and unusual pictures related to it?

More "Remembering the Farm" trying to recall some things about my youth?

I don't do humour.  Except by accident. Though I do steal from the best and have a marvelous collection of (mostly unpublishable) stuff.

Other ideas?

  

Dumb Things TEApublicans Have Said

Found this and didn't know whether to laugh or cry.
The first list is from here. The second one from a comment below the article.

1. “People now don’t die from prostate cancer, breast cancer and some of the other things.”  – Chris Collins, New York GOP State Rep.
2. “You would be giving off more CO2 if you are riding a bike than driving in a car.”  – Ed Orcutt, Washington GOP State Rep., stating that bicycles pollute the environment more than cars do.
3. “Oh, no, we’re not going to have any casualties.”  – George W. Bush discussing the Iraq war with Christian Coalition founder Pat Robertson in 2003, as quoted by Robertson.
4. “So Miss Fluke, and the rest of you Feminazis, here’s the deal. If we are going to pay for your contraceptives, and thus pay for you to have sex. We want something for it. We want you post the videos online so we can all watch.”  – Rush Limbaugh
5. “I think the right approach is to accept this horribly created — in the sense of rape — but nevertheless a gift in a very broken way, the gift of human life, and accept what God has given to you… rape victims should make the best of a bad situation.” – Rick Santorum
6. “If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways of shutting that whole thing down.”  -Todd Akin
7. “When a physician removes a child from a woman, that is the largest organ in a body. That’s a big thing. That’s a big surgery. You don’t have any other organs in your body that are bigger than that.”  – Mary Sue McClurkin, Alabama GOP State Rep.
8. “To redefine marriage is discriminatory towards those who hold the sincerely held religious belief that it is a sacred institution between a man & a woman.”  – Illinois state Sen. Kyle McCarter (R), in response to the state Senate approving same-sex marriage in Illinois.
9. “I struggled with it myself for a long time, but I came to realize life is that gift from God. I think that even when life begins in that horrible situation of rape, that it is something that God intended to happen.”  – Richard Mourdock, Indiana GOP U.S. Senate candidate.
10. “There is no one who doesn't have health care in America. No one. Now, they may end up going to the emergency room. There are better ways to deal with people that need health care than this massive new program.”  – Phil Bryant, Republican governor of Mississippi.
11. ”Feminism was established so as to allow unattractive women easier access to the mainstream of society.”-Rush Limbaugh
12. “[America has to import so many workers because] for the last 35 years we have aborted more than a million people who would have been in our workforce.”  – Mike Huckabee
13. ”The feminist agenda is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians.”  – Pat Robertson
14. “He is purple – the gay-pride color, and his antenna is shaped like a triangle – the gay pride symbol.”  – Jerry Falwell’s warning to parents that Tinky Winky of Teletubbies, may be gay.
15. “Some girls, they rape so easy”  – Roger Rivard, Wisconsin GOP State Rep.

1. “If this were a dictatorship, it’d be a heck of alot easier, just so long as I’m the dictator.” ~ George W. Bush
2. ”We need to uptick our image with everyone, including one-armed midgets.” ~ Republican National Committee Chairman Michael Steele.
3. “When the President does it that means that it’s not illegal.” ~ Richard M. Nixon
4. “Exercise freaks … are the ones putting stress on the health care system.” ~ Rush Limbaugh
5. ”Feminism was established so as to allow unattractive women easier access to the mainstream of society.” ~ Rush Limbaugh
6. “Rarely is the questioned asked: Is our children learning?” (sic) ~ George W. Bush
7. “Good Christians, like slaves and soldiers, ask no questions.” ~ Jerry Falwell
8. “As yesterday’s positive report card shows, childrens (sic) do learn when standards are high and results are measured.” ~ George W. Bush
9. “Grown men should not be having sex with prostitutes unless they are married to them.” ~ Jerry Falwell
10. “Facts are stupid things.” ~ Ronald Reagan
11. “How did [the Holocaust] happen? Because God allowed it to happen… because God said, ‘My top priority for the Jewish people is to get them to come back to the land of Israel.’” ~ Rev. John Hage
12. “Our guys are more macho than their straights.” ~ Ann Coulter, commenting in 2005 on Jeff Gannon, the conservative plant in the White House press corps who turned out to be a male escort
13. “This foreign policy stuff is a little frustrating.” ~ George W. Bush
14. “Trees cause more pollution than automobiles.” ~ Ronald Reagan
15. “[America has to import so many workers because] for the last 35 years we have aborted more than a million people who would have been in our workforce.” ~ Mike Huckabee
16. ”I even accept for the sake of argument that sexual orgies eliminate social tensions and ought to be encouraged.” ~ Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia
17. “I would not say that the future is necessarily less predictable than the past. I think the past was not predictable when it started.” ~ Donald Rumsfeld
18. “My grandmother was not a highly educated woman, but she told me as a small child to quit feeding stray animals. You know why? Because they breed. You're facilitating the problem if you give an animal or a person ample food supply. They will reproduce, especially ones that don’t think too much further than that. And so… what youve got to do is you've got to curtail that type of behavior. They don’t know any better.” ~ Andre Bauer
19. ”Well, I learned a lot….I went down to (Latin America) to find out from them and (learn) their views. You’d be surprised. They’re all individual countries.” ~ Ronald Reagan
20. “We have a lot of work to do. It’s a very hard struggle, particularly given the situation on the Iraq-Pakistan border.” ~ John McCain (the countries share no common border)
21. “The only way to reduce the number of nuclear weapons is to use them.” ~ Rush Limbaugh
22. ”Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on you.” ~ Rep. Virginia Foxx
23. “I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully.” ~ George W. Bush
24. What I don’t know is what the unexpected might be.” ~ John McCain
25. I think gay marriage is something that should be between a man and a woman” — Arnold Schwarzenegger
26. ”The feminist agenda is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians.” ~ Pat Robertson
27. “President Washington, President Lincoln, President Wilson, President Roosevelt have all authorized electronic surveillance on a far broader scale.”~ Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez, testifying before Congress
28. “Juarez is reported to be the most dangerous city in America.” ~ Rick Perry
29. “You can always follow me on Tweeter.” ~ Rick Perry
30. “ Don't blame Wall Street, don't blame the big banks, if you don't have a job and you're not rich, blame yourself!” ~ Herman Cain
31. “From time to time there are going to be things that occur that are acts of God that cannot be prevented.” ~ Rick Perry, on the BP oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico, in 2010
32. “I had other priorities in the sixties than military service.” ~ Dick Cheney on his five draft deferments
33. “The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation’s history. I mean in this century’s history. But I didn't live in this century.” ~ Vice President Dan Quayle
34. “The more toppings a man has on his pizza, I believe the more manly he is. A manly man don’t want it piled high with vegetables! He would call that a sissy pizza.” ~ Herman Cain
35. “I will tell you that I had a mother last night come up to me here in Tampa, Florida, after the debate. She told me that her little daughter took that vaccine, that injection, and she suffered from mental retardation thereafter.” ~ Michele Bachmann on the HPV vaccine. (It doesn't cause mental retardation.)
36. “These are not bad people. All they are concerned about is to see that their sweet little girls are not required to sit in school alongside some big overgrown Negroes.” ~ President Eisenhower commenting on racial segregation after the Brown vs. Board of Education decision.
37. “This president, I think, has exposed himself over and over again as a guy who has a deep-seated hatred for white people or the white culture….I’m not saying he doesn't like white people, I’m saying he has a problem. This guy is, I believe, a racist.” ~ Glenn Beck
38. “I’ll be long gone before some smart person ever figures out what happened inside this Oval Office.” ~ George W.Bush
39. “I feel the best way to ensure Americans’ freedom is to tighten restrictions on that freedom in any way possible. Only through wiretaps, illegal searches and seizures, unfettered government intrusion, a controlled media and a complete crackdown on free speech can we ensure the liberties of all people.” ~ Attorney General John Ashcroft
40. “What a terrible thing to have lost one’s mind. Or not to have a mind at all. How true that is.” ~ Vice President Dan Quayle
41. “Michele Bachmann… I'm not going to say it. I’m not going to say it…. Tutti-frutti. I know I'm going to get in trouble!” ~ Herman Cain on the different flavors of ice cream to which he'd compare his primary competitors.
42. “When I see a 9/11 victim family on television, or whatever, I’m just like, ‘Oh shut up’ I’m so sick of them because they’re always complaining.” ~ Glenn Beck
43. ”I find it interesting that it was back in the 1970s that the swine flu broke out under another, then under another Democrat president, Jimmy Carter. I’m not blaming this on President Obama, I just think it’s an interesting coincidence.” ~ Rep. Michele Bachmann
44. “I love California; I practically grew up in Phoenix.” ~ Dan Quayle
45. “He is purple – the gay-pride color, and his antenna is shaped like a triangle – the gay pride symbol.” ~ Jerry Falwell’s warning to parents that “Tinky Winky of Teletubbies, may be gay
46. “The greatest threat to America is not necessarily a recession or even another terrorist attack. The greatest threat to America is a liberal media bias.” ~ Rep. Lamar Smith
47. “Carbon dioxide is portrayed as harmful. But there isn't even one study that can be produced that shows that carbon dioxide is a harmful gas.” ~ Rep. Michele Bachmann
48. “If Lincoln were alive today, he'd be turning over in his grave. ~ Gerald Ford (on Nixon and Watergate)
49. “ Isn't that the ultimate homeland security, standing up and defending marriage?” ~ Rick Santorum
50. “I should tell my story. I'm also unemployed.” ~ Mitt Romney
51. “I saw the young man over there with eggs Benedict, with hollandaise sauce. And I was going to suggest to you that you serve your eggs with hollandaise sauce in hubcaps. Because there’s no plates like chrome for the hollandaise.” ~ Mitt Romney
52. “I’m ready for the ‘gotcha’ questions and they’re already starting to come. And when they ask me who is the president of Ubeki-beki-beki-beki-stan-stan I’m going to say, you know, I don’t know. Do you know?” ~ Herman Cain
53. “They [China] have indicated that they’re trying to develop nuclear capability and they want to develop more aircraft carriers like we have. So yes, we have to consider them a military threat.” ~ Republican presidential candidate Herman Cain, warning that China could develop nuclear weapons. (They developed them in 1964.)
54. “If you've seen one city slum, you've seen them all.” ~ Spiro Agnew
55. “Capital punishment is our way of demonstrating the sanctity of life.”” ~ Orrin Hatch
56. “I went to a number of women’s groups and said: ‘Can you help us find folks,’ and they brought us whole binders full of women.” ~ Mitt Romney
57. “We have a president, who I think is a nice guy, but he spent too much time at Harvard, perhaps.” ~ Mitt Romney
58. “We need a leader, not a reader.” ~ Herman Cain
59. “How do you say ‘delicious’ in Cuban?” ~ Herman Cain
60. ”A poet once said, ‘Life can be a challenge, life can seem impossible, but it’s never easy when there’s so much on the line.’” ~ Herman Cain, using the theme song of the Pokemon movie in the closing statement of the first GOP debate in 2012

Attorney at Loss

From a friend from Kansas.

These are from a book called: "Disorder in the American Courts", and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

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ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
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ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

WITNESS: We both do.

ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

WITNESS: We do.

ATTORNEY: You do?

WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
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ATTORNEY: Now doctor, "isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
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ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year- old, how old is he?

WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
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ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you kidding me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Getting laid
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ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess.
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ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about 20, medium height, and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
______________________________ _______
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
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ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And, Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
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ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No .

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Harry and Bess

My friend DAC sent me this and it is certainly worth posting. 

Harry and Bess

Harry Truman was a different kind of President. He probably made as many or more important decisions regarding our nation's history as any of the other 42 Presidents preceding him. However, a measure of his greatness may rest on what he did after he left the White House.

The only asset he had when he died was the house he lived in, which was in Independence Missouri. His wife had inherited the house from her mother and father and other than their years in the White House, they lived their entire lives there.

When he retired from office in 1952 his income was a U.S. Army pension reported to have been $13,507.72 a year. Congress, noting that he was paying for his stamps and personally licking them, granted him an 'allowance' and, later, a retroactive pension of $25,000 per year.

After President Eisenhower was inaugurated, Harry and Bess drove home to Missouri by themselves. There was no Secret Service following them.

When offered corporate positions at large salaries, he declined, stating, "You don't want me. You want the office of the President, and that doesn't belong to me. It belongs to the American people and it's not for sale."

Even later, on May 6, 1971, when Congress was preparing to award him the Medal of Honor on his 87th birthday, he refused to accept it, writing, "I don't consider that I have done anything which should be the reason for any award, Congressional or otherwise."

As president he paid for all of his own travel expenses and food.

Modern politicians have found a new level of success in cashing in on the Presidency, resulting in untold wealth. Today, many in Congress also have found a way to become quite wealthy while enjoying the fruits of their offices. Political offices are now for sale. 

Good old Harry Truman was correct when he observed, "My choices in life were either to be a piano player in a whore house or a politician. And to tell the truth, there's hardly any difference!"

Malapropisms, Mondegreens & Spoonerisms

Last August, my brother Stan on his blog "The English Cowpath" posted on Malapropisms, Mondegreens & Spoonerisms. He does a nice job of defining them and provides a few examples.

He added a note about a week ago that Word-a-day just did a week on these funny word errors. http://wordsmith.org/words/spoonerism.html

Here is the end of the week compilation: http://wordsmith.org/awad/awadmail556.html

and an extra to publish all the mail they got that week 

http://wordsmith.org/awad/awadmail556-extra.html

The tears were streaming down my face and Tanya demanded to know what was so funny.  Some things just don't translate.

Here are a few examples but best read the sites yourself and get all the benefit.

The best use of spoonerisms occurred in the British parliament. The speaker of one party complimented one of the other saying "I yield to the gentleman as a 'shining wit'." And then apologized for making a spoonerism.
-Martin Litke, MD, Newport Beach, California (litke.martin gmail.com)

A friend, wishing to celebrate his divorce, suggested that we go to the saloon for a beverage. I suggested that if he wanted decoration for the party he might consider a balloon for the severage.
-Tromboniator (via Wordsmith Talk online forum)

While working in Moscow some years ago, several of us overheard a colleague complaining about Russian: "I just can't get a handle on this acrylic alphabet."
-Hilary Evans, Ottawa, Canada (hil666evans hotmail.com)

A friend of mine was ill and needed to get a biopsy done. Her husband upon hearing this asked her a bit later when the autopsy would take place so he could go with her! Her reply: "Not quite yet dear."
-Margriet Hecht, Portland, Oregon (mihecht earthlink.net)

I overheard a guy who had just driven across country say that "The car was loaded to the tilt."
-Harry Bower, San Francisco, California (fluteoftheroom gmail.com)

I am hearing-impaired and have a telephone with closed captioning on a screen. In a recent phone conversation, this wonderful mondegreen came across. My friend was describing the preparation of a drink and she said, "throw out the pulp and keep the juice." But the CC read, "Throw out the Pope and keep the Jews." Those closed captioning fellas have a pretty vivid imagination!
-Dean M. Laux, Englewood, Florida (dlaux6 comcast.net)

A pianist was playing at a function in a private home and really needed a bathroom break. One of the guests asked him about the piece he had just played and instead of replying "this is a very difficult piece to play", he said, "This is a very difficult place to pee."
-Anne Lusby, Brockville, Canada (alusby sympatico.ca)

My all-time favorite: From a breathlessly excited radio broadcaster announcing the disembarking of the Royal Windsors in New York, "Ladies and Gentlemen, the Duck and Doochess of Windsor!"
-Paul Wessen, San Jose, Costa Rica (pwessen ice.co.cr)

My mother once said (after her second glass of sherry), "After Papa has retired we're going to fix up the world and take a trip around the house."
-Nina Garrett, Old Saybroook, Connecticut (cornebg gmail.com)

New Words

These have been around a few times and I have no idea if indeed they did originate with the Washington Post, but they are clever.

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. 

1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate's disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido: All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
18. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and a pain in the rear

'What gender is 'computer'?'

This has been around before but still good for a chuckle or three.

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. 'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa', while 'Pencil is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won. 

Wish I'd Said That!

"You will, Oscar, you will". ~ James McNeil Whistler

When the white missionaries came to Africa, they had the Bible and we had the land. They said, 'Let us pray.' We closed our eyes. When we opened them, we had the Bible and they had the land. ~ Desmond Tutu

America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real, but the moon landing was faked. ~ David Letterman

After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box. ~ Italian proverb

Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years. ~ Betsy Salkind

The only reason that they say, 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats. ~ Jean Kerr

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. ~ Prince Philip

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing. ~ Emo Philips.

Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself. ~ Harrison Ford

The best cure for sea sickness is to sit under a tree. ~ Spike Milligan

Lawyers believe that a man is innocent until proven broke. ~ Robin Hall

Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror. ~ Jean Rostand.

Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million. ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.

If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead. ~ Johnny Carson

Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is. ~ Jimmy Durante

As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder. ~ John Glenn

America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric. ~ Doug Hamwell

If God had intended us to fly, he would have made it easier to get to the airport. ~ Jonathan Winters

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. ~ Robert Benchley

Playing with words.

A friend sent me this.  Said she didn't want credit unless it was a line of credit.  They have been around before but just in case you missed them, here they are again. (Sort of BOHICA). Washington Post is supposedly the source but who knows after five or ten years.

Take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

  1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
3. Intaxicaton : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high
8. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon : It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido : All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

Alternate meanings for common words.

1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.
6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph, v.. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men

The Brown Bear in the Bar in Brock

My late Uncle Vince was a master story teller and the Shaggy Dog story was his forte.  For the uninitiated, a Shaggy Dog story, as I know it, is a long, usually boring windup with a very bad pun as a fast breaking punch line.  They usually need to be told, not read.  Uncle Vince's  stories were so long you wanted to shoot him to finish them and the punch lines so bad, you wished you had shot him.  This particular story, much abridged, was one of his.

A brown bear walked into the bar in Brock and ordered a beer. The bartender said "No, sorry.  We don't serve beer to brown bears here in the bar in Brock".

The next several minutes of story can be inserted as you wish, but no matter how hard the brown bear pleads his case, the answer is always the same. "No, sorry.  We don't serve beer to brown bears here in the bar in Brock".

Finally the brown bears snaps.  He has had it. "You see that woman sitting at the end of the bar? If you don't give me a beer, I will devour her!"  The bartender says, "No, sorry.  We don't serve beer to brown bears here in the bar in Brock".

The brown bear roars at the woman, kills her with a blow from his paw and proceeds to munch her down.  He comes back to the bartender and says "NOW, GIVE ME A BEER".   The bartender says, "No, sorry.  We don't serve beer to brown bears here in the bar in Brock and we definitely don't serve drug addicts".


"Drug addict?  What are you talking about?", says the brown bear.
"That was the barbituate".

Maps (pant, pant, pant) Maps

As a follow up to yesterday's post about Red, Blue and fatal car accidents, I bring you this lovely set of maps.  Maps are wonderful.  Making pictures from numbers to turn data into information is wonderful.  Using maps to show pictures made from numbers to turn data into information is almost orgasmic.

Nan, from All the Good Names Were Taken, linked to this map in a post she did after the election.  You can find it HERE much larger than this.

The top middle map is the Red and Blue States from the 2012 Election.  The other two maps are by counties (I think.  Help me, please, Nan).  The big map at the bottom breaks the voting down by counties but is shaded according to population density (people per square mile, not level of stupidity).

However the BEST location to find pictures that tell stories is at Russian Sphinx. This lady makes the most awesome charts, maps, graphs and tables.  Browse around her website and see if you don't agree. The post I have linked to is a comparison of handbag prices in USA and Moscow.  Moscow where conspicuous consumption is a way of life when you have that much money.

Politics and Fatal Car Accidents???

This table is from and AlterNet article found here.  Any explanation?  Commenters suggest rural-urban divide.  One thing sure, Wyoming is not a good place to drive.

ABC: I do not Excel at this.

For the past three weeks (well, two since I really got at it) I have been working on a consulting project, updating a report I wrote 10 years ago.  It concerns the agricultural situation in a country, narrowed down to one specific province and  a couple of counties.  What has changed in the past ten years and why and what are the implications for the future?

In one sense it is much easier, with Google.  Also the country has an excellent free statistics site with massive amounts of data that can be queried 16 ways to breakfast.  I have an in-country contact to help me find stuff I can't Google.  Google Translate does a fair enough job for my needs.  What could be simpler?

Did you know that European and North American numbering formats are different?  Exact opposites in fact?  I knew that but was not prepoared for how much fun it was going to cause.  My computer is set to NA default.  Thousands are separated by commas, decimals by periods.  ALL the data I am downloading is European, with thousands separated by periods and decimals delineated by commas. Guess what my computer thinks?

I was not going to change the default on my computer as I have no idea how much problems that will cause with the millions of spreadsheets I have on file.  I tried changing it for each spreadsheet.  You can do that if you are entering the numbers yourself but if you are downloading spreadsheets it doesn't work.  I Googled for help and learned a few tricks, some of which actually worked.  Using Remove (the "."/Replace (with a blank i.e. nothing) eliminates the thousands separator.  BUT if the number is 19.000 or 2.130 Excel has already lopped off the extraneous 0s so you have to do those by hand IF you catch them.

Now I have had lots of fun learning how to make new charts.  Tables of thousands of numbers are useless.  Pictures show information.  Organizing numbers to make pretty pictures is one thing.  Making Excel draw the charts I want is another.  Google to the rescue again.  I can now make two kinds of charts which are not on the Wizard. Column charts with primary and secondary Y axis.  Stacking column charts with several columns over one point on the X axis.

Be impressed, OK.

This suggests some things I need to check further

This told me nothing new and I had to make a different chart before I learned something - cows milked and milk production are NOT real data, they are formula based.  Damn.

Gift Suggestions for those who have everything

Chartreuse says she has a family that is hard to buy Christmas gifts for because they have everything.  Here are some suggestions:

For the man who has everything - Penicillin
For the family who has everything - Help with the payments

If the family has small children - tools, drums or bagpipes are popular.  Or see ideas below.

Donations to charities are becoming quite common.

If the family is Republican - A donation in their name to the NAACP
If the family is Democrat - A donation in their name to the Westboro Baptist Church
If the family is Conservative - A donation in their name to Greenpeace
If the family is New Democrat - A donation in their name to the Canadian Nuclear Association

Speaking of donations to charities, long ago I made a list of excuses to replace the "I gave at the office" which is old, lame and no one believes anyway. The only one I can remember is this one: Alzheimer's Association - I forgot.

If any of my readers have other suggestions for other associations, I'd be pleased to hear from you.

Lighthearted Furriness