Saturday, May 5, 2012

I love my job

I LOVE MY JOB
This is even funnier when you realize it's real!
Next time you have a bad day at work think of this guy.
Bob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana
He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.
Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister.
She then sent it to radio station 103 .5 on FM dial in Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest.
Needless to say, she won.
Read his letter below...
~Hi Sue,
Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.
Last week I had a bad day at the office.
I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all.
Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.
As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office.
It's a wet suit.
This time of year the water is quite cool.
So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater.
This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea.
It heats it to a delightful temperature.
It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.
Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints.
What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit.
This floods my whole suit with warm water.
It's like working in a Jacuzzi.
Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch.
So, of course, I scratched it.
This only made things worse.
Within a few seconds my butt started to burn.
I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done.
In agony I realized what had happened.
The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.
Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it, however, the crack of my ass was not as fortunate.
When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my ass.
I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator.
His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.
Needless to say, I aborted the dive.
I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totalling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.
When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.
As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber.
The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't shit for two days because my ass was swollen shut.
So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your ass.

5 comments:

  1. Not to one up this but (or should I say butt?...)

    A large crew of Haz Mat workers was removing lead paint from a building. Dressed in their usual tyvec moon suits and respirators they had applied a highly corrosive paint stripper to a large section of the building. Having waited the 24 hrs for the chemical to do it's work it was now time to scrape away the paste along with the toxic paint. The chemical used is highly corrosive and will eat through up to 15 layers of paint at a time. Needless to say if it gets on your skin it will burn and continue to burn until it reaches bone unless it's neutralized.
    A rather large worker had just about finished his section and was getting ready to go for lunch. The exit was by climbing through a window and into a decon area inside. As he threw one leg over the window ledge to make his exit his tyvec suit split right at the crotch exposing his privates. What he didn't notice was that the window ledge had been coated with the paint stripper and yes it was one of his worst days at work.

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    1. OMG, how terrible. I couldn't even smile at that one.

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  2. We laugh about it now but then again we have a sick sense of humor. I guess you have to to do this kind of work. Looking at my arms I see I only have a few very minor scars. :-)

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  3. Many years ago my buddy and I started a small diving company in Florida. As a public service I dove for the local Sheriff's department for body retrieval - why do we do this crap? In the case of the oil rig diver he is making big bucks: I made sixty-five extra dollars a month combat pay in Vietnam. But I am not complaining: a friend of mine worked for a waste management plant and he would have to occasionally dive in the sewerage tank when there was a malfunction: and he didn't get paid shit.
    the Ol'Buzzard

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    1. Body retrieval? How many bodies did you retrieve and what were the stories?

      I don't know about diving in shit but one of my profs from years back swam across a hog manure lagoon on a bet to get an extra three days off on the weekend

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