It isn't funny, when you are old.

Al, after hugging Natasha who is a very attractive young woman, "The problem is I have daughters older than her".
Tanya, "That's not your problem".

I get no respect.

A Good Wife

One of the things I really appreciate about Violet's blog and I have said it before is that her husband figures in almost every one of them.  Things they do together, how he looks after her and how much she loves him.  With three boys to raise, they need each other and that kind of positive reinforcement is wonderful to see.

I should take a cue from her and start the New Year by saying thank you to my wonderful wife for how much she loves me and how well she looks after me.  First a couple of stories:

One morning I was trying to convince Tanya there were better things to do than get up.  (Now, I am decades away from "tri-weekly"; sort of half way between "try weekly" and "try weakly").  At any rate, she carefully tucked the quilt between us and said "I am a Canadian woman this morning", got up and went to work.

A few days ago there was a note in The Economist which I read out to Tanya, to the effect that the governor of some Indian province had been forced to resign, having been filmed in flagrante delicto with three women.  He was 84.  Tanya said "Quick, write to him". 

I get no respect.

She is my organizer and manager.  I have a small contract in Kazakhstan in mid-January.  First off she offered to come with me.  Russian is the business language and I will learn much from her just being there and listening to what is going on outside the official discussions.  She spent two or more days on the phone. To the Kazakhstan Embassy in Kyiv to find out what I needed as a Canadian applying in Ukraine for a visa.  To various airlines and travel agencies to find both the cheapest and most direct route from Dnipropetrovsk to Astana.

Then she spent a full day finding tickets for us to go to Kyiv to apply for my visa (she doesn't need one).  Holiday season and the trains and busses are full.  We could get to Kyiv but not home.  All seats on the train are not available at all sales wickets.  She and Andrei went to P'yatikhatki finally and Andrei knew people who had "reserve tickets" they didn't need.

That same night we (she came with me, just in case there were problems) caught the midnight train in P'yatikhatki arriving in Kyiv at 8:00 next morning in a heavy snowstorm that dropped 30 cm of wet snow on Kyiv during the night.  We took the Metro (subway) to the stop nearest the Embassy and waded through snow, slush and ice for another 20 minutes to get to the Consulate and drop off the  application.

The streets were a disaster.  There was an army of people clearing sidewalks but could not keep up.  Steps down to the underpasses were like 45 degree ice ramps.  Watching a classy but clueless woman in stiletto boots trying to climb without breaking a leg was interesting.  Tanya said that they averaged 17 broken legs per day for the next few days according to the news. We went back to the railway station by 12:00 pm and slept in the first class lounge as best we could until our train left at 5:45.  We were home safe and warm in our house by 11:00 pm that night.

That day was Masha's Grade 1 Christmas concert.  Tanya missed it to make sure I would get my visa OK.  How do you say thank you for love like that?

I still get no respect

We stopped at a Chinese buffet in Saskatoon for supper. Parked beside a blue mini van with collision damage on the back right corner. Tanya wondered to Graeme if it had been my van at one time.

My cousin DC Power has been on oxygen for the past few years. He has a long tube from the main tank in his bedroom that gives him the run of the house. Otherwise he uses a portable system. The tube was all sort of coiled up in the hall, hooked to DC's traech as he was standing at the end of the hall. May-B is hauling our suitcase down to the spare room.
"I won't cut off your oxygen with the suitcase, Uncle DC...but after my dad has been here for a few days you will want to do it yourself".

Panic time or why do anything before the last minute?

The report MUST be finished Friday. It is only 6 months late, however the meltdown of the global economy in the meantime, makes it academic at best so the delay was not the end of the world for the client. Besides I work cheap and usually give them twice what they pay for.

My kids have inherited my work habits. Put it off until you can't any longer. My creativity works better under pressure and so does my kids'. Their mother always did everything ahead of time and the rest of us drove her crazy. I have on several occasions hauled a kid to class at 8:30 to drop off a paper due at 8:30. Said kid then returned to bed having not slept for 24 hours.

Number 1 son would have everything read, and then mull the ideas over in his head for days, writing and rewriting the paper mentally while appearing to do nothing. Then at some early hour of the morning before, he'd sit down at the computer and crank out his paper. One night, back on the old 386, he woke me up in a panic. The computer ate his paper. Dad to the rescue. Dug out the recovery program and found it easy enough but it was scary.

Flash drives make it easy to back up work but how often do you remember to do it?

Today we took a break and went into town. Tanya took the material for our downstairs bedroom drapes to the custom draperist (is that a word?). She had measured out everything yesterday and had drawn up a plan. Then we bought two pillows for which they would make covers to match the drapes.

Ran into Andrei, Tanya and Masha out shopping. Baba Tanya took Masha into a shop to buy her a small key ring with a heart on it. While we were in there I bought my FOURTH French Press coffee maker. The least one managed to last two days before I broke it. The previous one a week. Everything needs to be made out of steel!! Don't they know that?

While we were downtown, one of the clothing shops phoned my Tanya. Spring/summer jackets were in and she had one that might fit me. $70 CAD later, I finally have a light jacket that fits. Size 64. 64 what I don't know but that is what it says. Laid flat it is as wide as the mains'l on Jack Aubrey's HMS Surprise.

Caring for the Aged and Infirm in Ukraine

Folks who self righteously proclaim about how terrible it is in North America that we “lock our old people away in institutions” instead of caring for them at home are usually those who are not now and likely never will have that problem. Lots of families do look after their aging parents, because they want to.

My cousin and his wife looked after his mother for the last few years of her life when she could no longer manage in a senior’s apartment. His father spent the last years of his life in a Level 4 Care home with Alzheimer’s as did my late father-in-law. Both spouses looked after their husbands as long s they could at home.

There are programs to help old people be independent as long as possible: home care, meals on wheels, special buses, etc.

In Ukraine there is no alternative to looking after the aged or infirm except family. Tanya visited my Aunt Jean (90) and my sister’s mother in law (95) in a seniors’ home in Calgary and just marveled at the surroundings and the care they receive. I will admit, that was one classy place and out of my price range. But Ukraine has nothing comparable to even the nursing homes in small town Saskatchewan.

Our friends in P’yatikhatki couldn’t go to Dnipropetrovs'k with us because her mother was too ill to leave alone over night. There is no respite program for care givers.

Our neighbour’s mother is in her late 80’s. She lives next door to us in a rented cottage with coal heat and Lucia lives on the other side of us. At least they both have some privacy that way. Baba is almost totally immobile. Poor circulation has caused what may be gangrene to set in her feet. A Home Care nurse will come and give her antibiotics. She doesn’t want to go to hospital. I doubt she will make it to summer which will be a relief to both of them.

Lucia needs to go to the Cancer clinic in Dnipropetrovs'k as there is fear of recurrence of breast cancer for which she was operated two years ago but she can’t leave her mother. She has not been away from home over night for a long time. There is no one to look after her mother. Tanya has offered to cover for her so she can go to Dnipropetrovs'k this week and I hope that works.

Tanya’s friend Lena lost her husband last fall. Heart attack while recovering from an emphysema attack. Lena has both his mother and her mother to take care of. She couldn’t even go to the theatre with us as she cannot leave them along for long. Her two boys still live at home. Her husband’s mother is turning her apartment over to Lena, likely for the oldest boy. The upshot of that generosity is that Lena’s sister-in-law will have nothing to do with looking after her mother-in-law, though she and her husband are well heeled and their son has his own apartment. (Greed knows no cultural barriers; Canadian or Ukrainian the story plays the same too many times).

Tanya will go to Dnipropetrovs'k this week to help her friend Alexander who has gone recently blind. Alexander worked for years in the Soviet space program and radiation from the computer screen gave a 55 year old woman the face of a 100 year old ghoul, wrecking her eyes and thyroid. Her drunken useless husband, from whom she had been separated for years died last year and she needs to change the title to her apartment. Her drunken useless son refuses to take her because she is putting the apartment into her name and her niece’s name because the niece is going to look after her. Tanya will take her to a lawyer and help her with the document process.

Be thankful that there are facilities and programs to allow the elderly and infirm to live with as much independence as possible for as long as possible and that provide care for them when they are not able. You (and they) have a choice of how and where to provide care as your parents grow old. It is not a trap as it is here where there are no alternatives.

My children will leave me on the ice.

I get no respect

Rodney Dangerfield got no respect, he claimed, though he was a master comedian. I was looking for new lines for my email signature and found enough for a lifetime. In a way he is my role model. I get no respect either. Asked my son to describe me in one word, he said "Dangerfield".

• When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
• When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
• I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it’.
• On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
• Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
• The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
• My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
• My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
• My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.
• I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.
• I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
• I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
• I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.
• I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
• A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home.
• My cooking is so bad that the flies pitched in to fix the screen door. I leave dental floss in the kitchen and watch the roaches hang themselves.
• I came from a real tough neighborhood. I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. he said, "I don't know, no one has ever made it".
  

Advice to the Stressed

May-B has been a bit stressed out the last few weeks. She thinks engagement may be the main cause of never getting married. I mentioned to Tanya how stressed she was and Tanya gave her the following advice which I am to pass on to her.

"Take it easy. Do not worry, relax. Do things slowly, slowly* according to your plan. Remember all work is done by women. Men do nothing and if they try to help they only make it worse."

We have a house guest coming for two nights next week and I offered to help her clean house. She just looked at me. I get no respect.


*This from a woman who, had she been in charge, would have build Rome in a day.

The World is my Oyster

The last few days I have been learning about the BC shellfish industry. Mainly oyster farming and processing, a $20 million dollar industry. Virtually all oysters produced in BC are farmed while e.g. about half the clams are still dug in the wild. Fancy oysters are sold whole and alive to restaurants where they are served on the half shell for large sums of money. They are eaten raw.
I ate raw oysters for the first and last time back in the late 80's in New Orleans where they were affordable. I was instructed thus: "One puts the raw oyster on a cracker, covers it with horseradish and then Tabasco Sauce (New Orleans sells Tabasco Sauce in gallon jugs) and then swallows it whole without chewing". Seemed pointless. I remember phoning home and announcing I had eaten six raw oysters but only three of them worked. Wives apparently have no sense of humour about some things.
My preference is smoked oysters which is my Christmas treat. Most members of my family consider them gross. Once I offered one to Bron's Black Lab, Desdemona, who promptly dropped it on the carpet and rolled on it, much to the delight of everyone else. I get no respect.

All Due Respect

Buddha - with Hair
Our friend, Volodya, was here on Sunday for supper on his way home from somewhere. He brought me a 30 cm good luck statue of Buddha, replete with all the usual Chinese lucky tokens for money, family, health etc. all explained on a note glued to the base. The note also said if you rub Buddha's tummy, your wish will be granted. Tanya now rubs my tummy and says, "I wish my husband would work harder".

But not Much
Tanya fixes my hair before I am allowed out in public. I cannot do "European hair", all pouffy and partless. So she approaches me with two hands full of Allaflex styling foam and says "SIT!" She learned that from watching Bronwyn with Montel. Woof, woof!! She says my hair is getting thin. I said, "Well, I could grow my eyebrows long and comb them over my head". "Yes, and your nose hairs, too".

A Day in the Life of Ivan Awfulich

Hey Mabel, Grease the Cat
Last night Kuchma meowed to go out and when I opened the door, went out. Without grabbing a few mouthfuls of food as he ususally does. His dish is by the door. This morning I found out why. There was this 2.5 cm wide x 1 cm deep groove routered 3/4 the length of a 400 gm pat of butter. If I could have found him, I would have drop kicked him down the stairs to the basement but we don't have a basement. He didn't show up till noon which saved his life.

Got 'im!
Our gas range is lit by an electric spark triggered by pushing down on the control knob as you turn on the burner. Anyone can do plumbing and there are no inspections. Electrician is a recognized trade and they inspect the fuse box (what can burn down in a concrete house?). But gas is taken seriously. Houses and apartment blocks can and do blow up with occasional concurrent loss of life and limb.

So this nice yong man comes to check the burner pressure on our gas range. He takes off the top of the burner and holds his testing gizmo over the little pipe. Then he tells Tanya who is busy doing something to turn on the gas. Yes, she "accidentally" pushed down the control knob as she turned it on and zapped him with 50,000 volts.

Conversation
The white knee-high boots on the lanky brunette were obviously inspired by Western or cowboy boots. Except maybe the 10 cm spike heels. I commented. Mistake.
"You love beautiful women!"
"I looked at the boots."
"You love beautiful women!"
"Yes, I love beautiful women. And you love beautiful men." (same word in Russian apparently for both).
"I love clever men."
"Poor you. You got a husband who is neither beautiful nor clever."
"To me you are beautiful and clever......sometimes."

Birthday Blog

Today was a good day. Every day above ground is a good day at my age.

My kids all emailed so I know they still love me. Tanya cooked up enough food for a large gathering and Andrei, Tanya , Masha and Tanya's mom, Natasha, came over for supper. Tanya said since it was my birthday I didn't have to wash dishes today. They are all neatly stacked by the sink for tomorrow. I get no respect.

Andrei and Tanya gae me a coffe grinder. Natasha gave me an exercise set of hand grips, chest builder, arm builder and a jump rope. Tanya said she could build muscles for me as she has a shovel and 10,000 square feet of garden that needs spading. She said I would use three of items but not the jump rope as elephants can't jump. I get no respect.

Yesterday Zhenia and his son-in-law Oleg were busy widening the gate into his drive way by about 40 cm. Tanya said when they were done they could come over and widen our garage door. I get no respect.

We have a walnut tree across the road from our house. Tanya had been wailing on it with a garden fork to shake the walnuts down. I offered to hit it with the car but she didn't see the humour in that. Since Andrei was here today she asked him to give the tree a shake. He went over and booted it and a whole bunch fell for Masha to pick up. Talk about a kick in the nuts.