...walks into a bar

1. A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "Hey, why the long face?"
2. A baby seal walks into a bar. "Get me anything but a Canadian Club".
3. A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer and a mop.
4. An Irishman walks into a bar with a steering wheel hanging from his belt. The bartender asks, "What's that for?" The Irishman responds, "Sure an’ it’s driving me nuts".
5. A giraffe walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Do you want a Long-Neck?" The giraffe says, "Do I have a choice?"
6. Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender asks, "Olive or twist?"
7. An amnesiac walks into a bar. He asks, "Do I come here often?"
8. A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender sets the beer down and says, "For you, no charge!"
9. A woman goes into a bar and asks for a "double entendre". So the bartender gave her one.
10. Shakespeare walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. "I can't serve you." says the bartender. "You're Bard!"
11. A dyslexic walks into a bra.
12. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
13. Descartes walks into a bar, the bartender asks "Would you like a beer?" Descartes replies "I think not" and POOF! he vanishes.
14. A snake slithers into a bar and the bartender says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you; you can't hold your liquor."
15. A young Texan walks into a bar and orders a drink. "Got any ID?" asks the bartender. The Texan replies, "About what?"
16. A pair of jumper cables walk into a bar. The bartender says, "You can come in here, but you better not start anything!"
17. Julius Ceasar walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a martinus." The bartender asks him. "Don't you mean martini?" Caesar tells the bartender, "Listen, if I wanted two I would have asked for them."
18. A penguin walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Has my father been in here?" The bartender says, "I don't know. What does he look like?"
19. A brain goes into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'll have a beer, please." The bartender says, "Sorry, I can't serve you. You're out of your head."
20. A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"
21. A cheeseburger walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."
22. A three-legged dog hobbles into a Western saloon. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm lookin' fer the man that shot my paw."
23. A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, "You're quite a celebrity around here. We've even got a drink named after you." The grasshopper says, "You've got a drink named Steve?"
24. A goldfish flops into a bar and looks at the bartender. The bartender asks, "What can I get you?" The goldfish says, "Water."
25. A tourist walks into a bar in County Cork and asks the barman: "What's the quickest way to get to Dublin?" "Are you walking or driving?" asks the barman. "Driving," says the man. "That’d be the quickest way," says the barman.
26. A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a beer. His hat is made of brown wrapping paper. And so are his shirt, vest, chaps, pants, and boots. His spurs are also made of paper. Pretty soon, the sheriff arrives and arrests him for rustling.
27. A blind man walks into a bar, grabs his dog by its hind legs and swings him around in a circle. The bartender says, "Hey, buddy, what are you doing?" And the blind man says, "Don't mind me. I'm just looking around."
28. A man walks into a bar looking sad, and the bartender asks him, "What's the matter?" The man says, "My wife and I had a fight, and she told me she wasn't going to speak to me for a month. The month is up today."
29. My brother is a magician; he can walk down an alley and turn into a bar.
30. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"