Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Procedures (Protsidoori) 2

Hydro-Massage - three procedures, taken in order, to stimulate blood circulation. This area is run by two very nice women with perpetually limp hair, damp lab coats and moss growing on their north sides.

In the first, I stand in a large cold drafty stall and get hosed off, much like a washrack at Agribition but without the blow driers and curry combs. The temperature and pressure are set to just under Hog Scald and Paint Peel. Olya directs the hose over each section of my carcass, with rapid movements to minimize skin damage. Then I go and stand for five minutes in a cage of vertical pipes with holes drilled to direct water spray all around me in little jets, much like a car wash. I kept an eye open for the rotating rags to appear and knock me senseless. This is not relaxing.

Second is a large tub of comfortably warm water, circulated back through a hose, which Yulia uses to massage the same muscles as Olya but this time underwater. The problem is I float like scum on a pond, and the volume and pressure of the hose are about the same as for hydraulic mining. I must keep submerged or suffer serious erosion. In my struggle to stay mostly under water, I get my foot in the water exit and the suction nearly takes my leg off. This is not relaxing.

Finally, relaxing! Ten minutes soaking in a tub of warm water treated with a couple of dollops of very black extract of pine needles to spruce up your skin. The first time, they had the tub full to the brim. I was instructed to get in and lie down.

The Tsunami devastated three villages and a goat shed.


  1. Ha! Tsunami. I was going to make the joke and you beat me too it.

  2. Clean up on isle three. I hear they have leftover sand bags from the midwest floods we could send you.

  3. Abribition wash rack. Ah, distinctly I remember. Haven't been to Aggrvation for years. Vanessa Headford is still one of the main people down there -- talked to her maybe a year ago. She was still going great guns.

    The Tsunami tagline was priceless. I must have laughed for three minutes steady! They out to put a warning sign on you!


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