Thursday, January 13, 2011

Paraprosdokian Sentences*

  • I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
  • Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
  • I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
  • Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
  • The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
  • Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
  • If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
  • We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
  • War does not determine who is right -- only who is left.
  • Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
  • The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
  • Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
  • To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
  • A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. My desk is a work station.
  • How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
  • Some people are like Slinkies ... Not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
  • Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
  • I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted paychecks.
  • A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
  • Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR."
  • I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
  • I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it... So I said "Implants?"
  • Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
  • Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they are sexy.
  • Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
  • Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
  • A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
  • You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
  • The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
  • Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
  • A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
  • Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
  • Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
  • I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
  • Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
  • There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
  • I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
  • I always take life with a grain of salt... Plus a slice of lemon... And a shot of tequila.
  • When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
  • You're never too old to learn something stupid.
  • To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
  • Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
  • A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
  • If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
  • Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

* A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech  in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to re-frame or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect. These from DAC, my professor, mentor and long time friend.

5 comments:

  1. The name of this blog is brilliant! I love the double entendre.
    And this post is terrific! I can especially relate to the one about arguing with an idiot.
    You are funny!

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  2. Nice collection. I noticed there were no Yogi Berra - isms. Odd. He was full of these tyoe of sayings.

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  3. Miss Sadie, glad to help. Hang in there.
    Sandra, funny haha or funny weird? Blame my youngest for the name.
    Mike, good idea I will find a Yogi Berra collection someday. He was awesome. I was a Yankee fan back in the late 50s and early 60's when I followed baseball.

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  4. Some good ones.
    The Yogi Berra one I like is, "When you come to a fork in the road. Take it."

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