Friday, December 12, 2008

The Christmas Letter Nobody Sends

Dear Mary
Just a note to wish you the best of the season and to update you about things at our house this year. Sorry I didn’t write sooner but after the cast came off in August, there were three months of physiotherapy and that was before the patches came off my eyes.

We are looking forward to a good Christmas here for a change this year. Randy should be out on parole if he don’t get caught again making hooch in the bathroom and Mandy should be back out of rehab so if Jerry can stay away from the grape and we hear from Cindy (its been six years since her parole officer said she disappeared) we can enjoy the season.

You’ll notice a new address. After the grandchildren burned down the house, we moved to a smaller one on the west end of town. Well, it’s not actually in town. It’s the last building before the sewage system on Express Road. You can’t miss us …or the sewage plant. The kids are OK after the fire but the cat will never be the same again. He manages on three legs though.

Don’t bother looking for the Pontiac in the driveway. After Harold hit the old lady in the crosswalk and then rear-ended the school bus, there wasn’t much left of the car, so we sold it for parts. Got a real nice artificial Christmas tree with the money. Besides this house has no driveway to park, even if we had a car.

Amy was expelled from Grade 3 after the bomb incident and Harvey says Grade 7 is easier the third time around. He finds it much easier to get to school now he has his driver’s licence.

Sure would be nice to have a visit with you and the family. I know you’ve gotten over the little incidents from last time we were at your place and I’m sure Faye’s nose looks real good after the surgery. I always thought both your kids looked better with short hair anyhow.

I’m fine as usual. I’m planning Christmas dinner, not knowing exactly how many will be here. I’m undecided about whether to serve traditional turkey and dressing like Grandma Harper before the guys in the white jackets carted her off to the Funny Farm just before last Christmas. Maybe I’ll just decorate a can of Spam with some cherries and see if Martha is still allergic to the preservative in the stuff.

I don’t work at the dog food factory no more. Mr. Chuttle didn’t agree with me about the bonus I thought I was entitled to. If he don’t press no charges we’ll be together for Christmas, if I said, everyone can make it. If they can’t, we won’t.
Take care

With thanks to Jeanne Hunter from Corning, Saskatchewan. This column appeared in the Leader Post several years ago.


  1. The man down the road was askin why our pig only has three legs. "Well" I said "the night our house burnt down, piggy squealed and woke us up. The night Chester was caught under the tractor, piggy squealed and woke us up." "but why only three legs on piggy?" "Well" I answered "you don't eat a pig that smart all at once."

    So this year, we're havin bean soup.

  2. I don't care if it's BEEN soup. What is it now?


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