I get no respect

Rodney Dangerfield got no respect, he claimed, though he was a master comedian. I was looking for new lines for my email signature and found enough for a lifetime. In a way he is my role model. I get no respect either. Asked my son to describe me in one word, he said "Dangerfield".

• When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
• When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
• I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it’.
• On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
• Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
• The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
• My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
• My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
• My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.
• I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.
• I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
• I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
• I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.
• I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
• A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home.
• My cooking is so bad that the flies pitched in to fix the screen door. I leave dental floss in the kitchen and watch the roaches hang themselves.
• I came from a real tough neighborhood. I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. he said, "I don't know, no one has ever made it".