The Luck o’ the Irish

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp."What happened to you?" asks Kelly, the bartender.
"Riley and me had a bit of a foight," says Paddy.
"That little runt, Riley?" says Kelly, "He is just a wee broth of a man. He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
"Ay, that he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it, too."
"Well," says Kelly, “you should have defended yourself, did you no ha' something in your hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. Riley's right breast, and a foine thing of beauty t’was, but of absolutely no use in a foight."

Pat and Mike had a great weekend partying and all. Pat felt guilty and decided he should stop at the church and confess. He went into the confessional and said, “Father, I have sinned. I have committed fornication with a lady. Please forgive me.”
The Father said, “Tell me who the lady was.”
“I can’t do that Father. I’d never betray a lady’s trust,” said Pat.
“I cannot grant you forgiveness unless you do. Was it the widow Mollie O’Grady?” asked the Father. “No.”
“Was it Rosie Kelly?” “No.”
“Was it that red-headed wench Tessie O’Malley?”
“No. Father, I tell ye, I’ll no betray a lady”
“Well then,” said the Father, “You’ll not be forgiven.”
Mike says to Pat, outside, “So, did you find forgiveness.”
“No,” says Pat, “but I picked up three good prospects!”